Baby Daddy… The Results Are In : Bytchin

Baby Daddy… The Results Are In

Posted on Dec 28th, 2008 at 4:30 pm by Megan Bodman in Entertainment, Misc Geek Stuff

Well, kids. The sad, sad day has finally arrived. Maury Povich will no longer be standing on our nation’s stage, holding our attention in rapture as he slowly opens the envelope and declares “You are….not the father”

Grab the tissues and hold the tears as you beg to know, why? How? Well, the suspense has been removed by IDENTIGENE, Beta-Genetics and similar companies currently marketing their at home, mail-in paternity tests. The humiliation of standing on Maury’s stage and watching your baby daddy throw a chair across the room is no more. Now, the BD in question can throw furniture in the comfort of his own home. How reassuring.

Family Bonding at its Finest

Even better, if you want to avoid the whole unsettling conversation, you can sneak a piece of his hair, throw it in a tube and for a lab processing fee running from $165 – $239, know if that winner sitting next to you fathered your bundle of joy within 16 days of your original order (unless of course, all that chewing tobacco dried his mouth out, in which case you’ll be sent another test free of charge!).
But, Meg, the man I think fathered my child is completely bald, what else can I send in without his knowledge?

Relax, grasshopper, there is a whole list of acceptable test items. I’ll let you concoct your own sneaky scheme for collecting them, however. I will not be an accomplice in your game, more of an informer. Less liability in a court of law.

Acceptable, testable items include

Cigarette Butts
ABC (Already Been Chewed) Gum
Bloody Clothes
Semen or Semen Stains
Used Condoms
Electric razor debris
Q-tips containing earwax

Yummy. Admittedly, the testing companies report to be up to 99.9% accurate and after a pretty thorough search, I couldn’t seem to find much disputing them. Send in a sample of the mother, baby, and potential father and your pretty much guaranteed to find your answer, so they report. These companies are accountable to the Better Business Bureau, but as of today remain unregulated by the FDA.

Regardless of accuracy, convenience, whatever, every once in a while we have to take a look at our society and just ask, “Really?”

June Cleaver is rolling in her Nick-at-Night grave and Montel and Maury are bracing themselves for layoffs. Well, there’s always a bright side.