Underage Girls, Weekend Hospital Visits and Ingenious Birth Control.
Posted on May 10th, 2010 at 4:14 pm by Megan in I just saved the world, I should be working, You're welcome
If this post seems a little random and all over the place to you, that’s because it is. I apologize for not keeping this thing updated regularly. I have a bunch of really good excuses that don’t really mater. I’m sure most of my loyal readers don’t really mind, seeing as two of the main key phrases that keep attracting people to this site are “underage webcam” and “fuck a ten year girls in bedroom video”. I wish I was kidding. Well, for those of you who aren’t dirty, nasty pedophiles, I apologize and I hope that you come to this page for some sort of entertainment and not to get your rocks off. Or you can come for that. I really don’t care, as long as it doesn’t involve little girls. Or boys. Or puppy dogs. I told you I was going to be all over the place.
So I spent an entire day in the emergency room last week. My internal girly parts were screaming in pain and after four days of crawling around the house like a toddler with a dirty diaper, I caved to pressure and went to get it checked out. They ran oodles of tests, some of which are far too graphic to be discussed on a blog, even a blog that attracts people googling “chicks who look underage but aren’t” (I swear).
At one point, they told me they were going to perform an ultrasound. As someone who’s entire knowledge of the female anatomy comes from watching late night Skinemax, I had a happy picture in my head of beautiful pregnant woman watching the screen as a doctor lightly pushes a t.v. remote control looking-thingy across her belly. Oh, Lordie was I wrong. This attractive girl with a sweet smile came in and flipped on the switch. Then she pulled out this foot long rod with a handle and slid a condom on it.
“Um… I’m not into that kind of stuff. Can I have my ultrasound instead?” I was starting to panic like a lot.
“Oh, sweetie, this is the ultrasound. We do it from the inside to get a really accurate picture.”
I think the girl saw the look of ‘ohmigod’/'wtf’/'you are never touching me with your dildo of science, lady’ that was plastered across my face and tried to cheer me up. “Pregnant women have these done all the time. It’s one of the not so pretty parts. Kind of like excreting their waste when they give birth” (Okay, so the conversation was longer than that but I was on a lot of morphine and only really remember the cliffnotes)
Apparently, this is common knowledge. They do kinky ultrasounds all the time if the OBGYN is having problems seeing the baby clearly. And when you give birth, YOU POOP YOURSELF. They totally left this part out of How Babies Are Made class in Catholic school. Well, they left out pretty much everything except the part about going to hell. I think they substituted that info for all the juicy stuff. Ew, juicy.
After learning this little tidbit, I am a whole lot less eager to start popping out babies. The knowledge that every couple weeks a cold piece of plastic is going to be stuck up my whoo-hoo kind of permanently turns me off. They don’t show that part on television (not even Grey’s Anatomy)! I guarantee if we could get the message out to young girls, birth rates would drop DRASTICALLY.
You’re welcome, world. I just saved you from overpopulation, hunger and mental illness. So babies stop coming out as often, the population stops growing so insanely rapidly. Without thousands of screaming bundles of joy and expenses arriving daily, people have more money to spend. It won’t break the budget to buy food anymore because you’re only buying for yourself. All the extra we can send over to those starving kids in impoverished countries so those heart wrenching charity commercials they show at 2:00 AM can stop. Once those stop, I all but guarantee that depression rates are going to drop. Starving kids that you can’t help make people sad. Feed the starving kids, take away the sad. Life is going to get better.
I immediately forwarded my idea to the United Nations. It wasn’t even ten seconds later, I got this in the mail.
Yeah, there's perks for saving the world. Don't hate
Because the U.N. teleports their mail. They’re just that bad ass. And apparently they know me very well. Just look at the description on my card!
Okay, so all of this is goofy and funny and supposed to make you smile. But for real, for real, there’s a few things I want to say.
If you’ve found this blog after searching for child porn, please leave. I’ll take the hit in traffic to make it clear that this is not, has never been, and will never be a sight that sexually exploits children.
Two, I don’t have anything against babies. I love them. Just saying, if everyone knew what they were really getting into before the baby was even born, they might think twice. I sure as hell have!
The Earth and I hanging out in the backyard. We're prety tight since I saved it.
Side note: Since I’ve made these ground breaking discoveries, I refuse to fool around with Scotty. And it totally has nothing to do with the fact I don’t want to admit that I’m in pain. It’s totally because of all the gross stuff that happens when you’re pregnant and you can’t be too careful! He’s considering a lawsuit, but what’s he going to sue for, telling the truth? Medicine wins again, my boy!!
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2 Responses to “Underage Girls, Weekend Hospital Visits and Ingenious Birth Control.”
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The ONLY time I got the wand INTERNALLY for an ultra sound was when they ‘thought’ I was carrying twins. Yep, funky wand confirmed it. Have had about 15 ultra sounds due to pregnancies and that was the only time. Do not be afraid!
As for pooping on the delivery table? By that point you don’t (pardon the pun) give a crap! You are just happy it is out!
The baby that is! (and apparently the nurses are good about hiding the fact discreetly.)