Poison Ivy + Private Parts = Sometimes I hate my boyfriend
Posted on May 13th, 2010 at 2:46 pm by Megan in I'll probably regret saying this, Stuff best kept to myself
I am not an outdoorsy type. I have major phobias of snakes, ants, moths, bees, outdoor animals and spiders. Ten minutes in the cold and my lips are blue; ten minutes in the sun and my skin blisters. I’m am so content to work from home, stay indoors and look at the world through the eyes of Google images. I don’t know if you’re really getting the picture here, but I don’t do the outdoors!
Scotty doesn’t either. He’s a chef. That cooks in a kitchen. Inside. Like he throws up if he’s in the sun too long. Silly over dramatic lupus. But we’re really broke and when a friend offered him work with his landscaping company it would have been wrong to turn it down. And by ‘it would have been wrong to turn it down’ I mean ‘I might have smothered him in his sleep if he said no’.
He came home from working after two days straight of tearing up this lady’s lawn and putting it back together. The sun had made him really sick and he kept complaining of a heat rash on his legs and um… down there. After he took a shower and that good stuff he stopped whining so I totally forgot all about it.
That night I made an incredible dinner, played housewife and then played frisky. I woke up the next morning and felt so friggin uncomfortable. I was so… itchy! Our conversation went something like this:
Me: You asshole. What’s her name?
Cheating jerkbag: Huh, what are you talking about?
Me: Which whore gave you a disease?
Dazed&Confused: You’ve lost your mind.
Me: We’re really poor, so you couldn’t have spent too much. You totally got an STD from an ugly hooker, didn’t you?
MildlyAnnoyed: You’re insane. Want to tell my what you’re smoking?
Me: I’m all itchy and bumpy down there. You gave me a disease last night.
Defensive: I don’t have a damn disease. Maybe you do and that’s why my legs and junk itch
Me: You said that was heat rash, asshole.
And then I actually looked at the alleged “heat rash”. Sure enough my genius had poison ivy up his legs and all the way to the package. How he got it there I still don’t understand, but I’m assuming he took his discounted hooker to a patch of poison ivy to do it with her. It definitely had nothing to do with the landscaping.
So, if you’re still following this correctly, you are reading right. I have poison ivy on my hoo-hoo. I feel so dirty.
Poison Ivy makes pussies sad.
No, that’s not my poison ivy. Or my pussy… cat. But sometimes having a visual can help.
Like any good neurotic blogger. I ran straight to the wisdom of the Internet to cure me.
WebMD and EHow basically told me I was screwed. Or to just cut the whole thing off. Or sew it up because I was never going to be able to use it again. Actually, EHow said this:
Seek professional medical treatment right away if you have severe swelling or difficulty breathing; the rash covers over one-fourth of your body; you have poison ivy on your face, lips, eyes or genitals; you have a fever; the rash becomes infected; or the current treatment you’re using doesn’t relieve the symptoms.
I REFUSE to go see a doctor over this. Really, I doubt I’d get halfway through the story before bursting into uncontrollable giggles. And my ego is really far too sensitive for the look he’s going to give me. You know, the one that says “Really, were you too dumb to realize your fiance kept itching his junk after spending all day in a pile of weeds or were you just so horny you didn’t care? You whore. Wait until I tell all my doctor buddies about this. We are going to laugh at your expense for weeks. This story will probably get published in a medical blog so we doctors all over the world can laugh at you.”
Yeah, Doc, find another punchline cuz its not going to happen.
Guys, I’m so embarrassed. And I’m punishing Scotty for this and I’m never, ever sleeping with him again. Or at least until my hoo-hoo heals. So I’m mildly er, frustrated. And I feel like I have a disease. So let’s keep this our little secret, k?
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2 Responses to “Poison Ivy + Private Parts = Sometimes I hate my boyfriend”
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Get thee to a Dr! And don’t wear undies if you can help it – I’ve been freeballin’ for a day now, and I can tell it’s starting to dry up, and the Prednisone is helping. You might get lucky if you call you Dr. and just say you have poison ivy and it’s spreading everywhere and can they prescribe some Prednisone for you, but you’ll probably have to do an office visit. Drs are so desensitized to this stuff, and BELIEVE ME, my Dr. friends see some pretty weird shit (my OBGYN friend alone is worth a book) and not much phases them. It’s just going to get worse. And you need to wash all sheets and clothes you wore with it in hot water to get all of the oil off, because that shit sticks around. Good luck!
Jesus, I sound like your mother. Sorry. I still cut my 13-year-olds pancakes and she flips out on me, I can’t help myself.