My Almost In-Laws Think My Sex Life is Hilarious : Bytchin

My Almost In-Laws Think My Sex Life is Hilarious

Posted on Mar 23rd, 2011 at 3:43 pm by Megan in I should be working, I'll probably regret saying this, Stuff best kept to myself

I really want to start blogging more and keeping y’all captivated with hilarious stories, inappropriate jokes and a tiny *i.e. microscopic* bit of sex appeal.The only problems are a.) I am a completely boring homebody with no social life and a touch of social anxiety; b.) I always forget the punchlines but try making up different ones, leaving most people offended or confused, but either way desperate to get away; c.) Scotty wouldn’t let me get the ‘exercise’ stripper pole I wanted to put in the bedroom, so you can blame him for no videotapes of sex appeal and/or hilarity that would undoubtedly ensue; d.) I have no idea if I am using the semicolon correctly. I am a terrible blogger. This blog is the “Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday” of the Internets and I’m sorry.
Since I’m so lame, let me just tell you about my almost in-laws. Holy shit they are wonderful and completely terrifying all wrapped into a bottle of bourbon. They are total rednecks hailing from the farmlands of Michigan and the backwoods hills of Kentucky. They are hard workers with a massive family, a beautiful home that he built from the ground up, an enduring romance with anything alcoholic and absolutely wonderful. Until you sit at the kitchen table every evening. Then the wonderful goes to effing awesome in 2.3 seconds flat.
I hate talking about sex. Maybe its the Catholic School upbringing, the New England background (the almost in-laws call me Yankee), or who knows. But as much as I love the act itself (sorry, Mom), discussing it at all makes me squirm. I think Scotty’s parents have radar-ed in on this fact and love LOVE having conversations about the dirty deed. The following are some swear-to-god-real conversations I’ve been forced to endure.
(After we had snuck into his childhood bedroom for a… erm.. heart-to-heart and rejoined the family)
AMIL (almost-mom-in-law):Well, Jesus Christ, Meg, it’s good to see you’re okay!
Me: Yeah, I’m good, why?
ADIL(almost-dad-in-law):The way you were screaming, we thought maybe Scotty had beat you to death.
**I know I had been silent, they had to have been listening extra hard**
AMIL: Or maybe you guys were skinning a cat.
ADIL: No, hunni, they weren’t skinning one, Scotty just stuffed one. Hehehehe
**END SCENE**
- or how about this one? –
AMIL: When my husband was a kid, he’d just hang it over the edge of the toilet to pee instead of holding it. I’ve been pretty blessed.
ADIL: It’s a damn shame that size skips a generation. But at least your kids won’t have any problem getting girlfriends.
AMIL: Really, it’s very gracious of you to not tease him.
Me: Um. erm. well he’s really um okay uh there… in that um spot.
Scotty: WTF guys?! Why are you doing this?!
AMIL: Don’t forget, we’ve seen him, too!
Scotty: When I was like five! SHUT UP.

*Disclaimer: They were just teasing. That’s all I’m going to say*

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